Agoraphobia?

It's funny. I only have one follower on here, but I still like to write down my thoughts and feelings. I would do this if no one was reading, which they probably aren't. So I've been working hard on trying to get my anxiety in check. I envy people who can just get up and do anything just "normal". I have to overthink everything I DO. The only place I go alone is work. Everywhere else, my Husband goes with me. He even meets me at the grocery store. Believe it or not, I have been worse. I was pretty much stuck at home right after we got married. 

I've been seeing a therapist for 4 full years now. ( i was on and off since i was 12) And i was always diagnosed with Panic Disorder. But in the past few years, my therapist says I've developed Agoraphopia

I found this on the web which may help people understand better:

WHAT IS AGORAPHOBIA

The term agoraphobia has been widely misunderstood. Its literal definition suggests a fear of "open spaces". However, this is an incomplete and misleading view.

Agoraphobics are not necessarily afraid of open spaces. Rather, they are afraid of having panicky feelings, wherever. these fearful feelings may occur. For many, they happen at home, in houses of worship, or in crowded supermarkets, places that are certainly not "open".

In fact, agoraphobia is a condition which develops when a person begins to avoid spaces or situations associated with anxiety. Typical "phobic situations" might include driving, shopping, crowded places, traveling, standing in line, being alone, meetings and social gatherings.

Agoraphobia arises; from an internal anxiety condition that has become so intense that the suffering individual fears going anywhere or doing anything where these feelings of panic have repeatedly occurred before. Once the panic attacks have started, these episodes become the ongoing stress, even when other more obvious pressures have diminished. This sets up a "feedback condition" which generally leads to increased numbers of panic attacks and, for some people, an increase in the situations or events which can produce panicky feelings. Others experience fearful feelings continuously, more a feeling of overall. discomfort, rather than panic.

A person may fear having anxiety attacks, "losing control", or embarrassing him/herself in such situations. Many people remain in a painful state of anxious anticipation because of these fears. Some become restricted or "housebound" while others function "normally" but with great difficulty, often attempting to hide their discomfort.

Agoraphobia, then, is both a severe anxiety condition and a phobia, as well as a pattern of avoidant behavior.

This describes my feeling to a T. I don't like to admit it, but i am on medication and have been for about 13 years. Which is sad because none of it helps. It just makes you numb and reliant on it. Everyday is such a struggle. I have to plan everything. Make sure everything goes the way its supposed to. If not, it will throw me into a tailspin. This is no way to live at all. I hate asking myself "what if?" before everything I do. Don't get me wrong, Im in no way depressed. I'm just a nervous wreck all the time. I am actually quite happy with my life otherwise. I have the best family, and the most amazing husband. I am a lucky girl.  But I know WE can be much happier if I can get this under control, and it's exactly what I am trying to do.

This pic was taken about 2 years ago

Were coming up on the year anniversary of my grandma's death. She is the closest person to me. This is such a weird feeling because It seems like it was just yesterday when we last talked, but I also can't believe it has been almost a year. I really don't know how i get through it. She was my whole life. I always knew i could go to her for anything. Not a day goes by that I don't talk to her and ask for her guidance. Mimi, I miss you more than words can say and I love you!

I repeat this over and over again in my head all day long. It helps me get through my anxiety ridden days!

be the bigger person...

Sometimes it is so hard to be the bigger person in a situation. I fell like I give my all to people who don't deserve it, and in the end, I am the one who gets screwed over. Well, not anymore. I have no other choice than to be okay with you just throwing this friendship away. Meanwhile, i know the truth, and when no one else was  there for you, I was. But that's on your conscience now. I've done my part. All I can hope for is that your poor little daughter doesn't have to be involved in all your crazy drama.

Who Am I You Ask?

I’m 25 years old but I am a small child on the inside

I suffer from severe panic disorder & anxiety which controls every aspect of my life

I LOVE animals. I have 3 cats and a dog. If I could i would have way more

I have always been afraid to grow up. I fear i won’t be any good at it

I have NO self confidence, which sometimes makes me a jealous person

I have a lot of love to give. And am probably the most compassionate person you will ever meet.

Even thought i more of a pessimist, i try not to be so miserable

I love art, any and all kinds. I love to draw and wish I had more time to concentrate on it.

My Grandmother is my biggest role model and I miss her more every day.

I have been smoke free for 1 year and a week! which is my biggest accomplishment so far.

My Husband is my rock, my best friend, and the only reason i want to wake up in the morning.